It has been a while but... I think it is time.
And with that, let's dive right in.
I have been reflecting on my life and realized that a lot of times I have said (as well as many other people), "I can't believe they did that to me" or "How could so-n-so do that to me?"
What I have come to terms with is that people only do what you allow them to do. Now that is not to say that this applies in every situation and all circumstances. This is not a "blame the victim" moment at all but this is a stop being the victim in situations that you have to acknowledge what you allowed to happen.
Situations where your friend says something that is completely disrespectful but think it is acceptable like they did nothing wrong. Situations where the guy/gal you are interested in continuously only contacting you for sexual encounters. The moment your friends stop contacting you but expect you to always contact them. When you realize your real friends are far and few in between but everyone wants you to treat them like they are gold, although you're treated like you are worthless than sawdust. Your mate has cheated on you for the second time. Your dog ate your favorite pair of shoes.🐶
After a while, you have to say to yourself, "I am allowing this to happen to me but why?".
Step 1: Take Responsibility/ Acknowledgement It
Taking responsibility or acknowledging your part in a situation that hurts you is hard. That does not mean you shouldn't do it or simply fall on blaming the other person. Doing something that is difficult leads to a journey of growth you couldn't imagine. In the process of taking ownership of your role in a situation keep in mind if you did not set boundaries then you left room for the person to do things that they believe you are okay with. Setting boundaries can be done in a magnitude of ways but the older I get the more I realize that you need to blatantly tell people what you deem acceptable/ unacceptable.
So I said it one day (well to myself), "I allowed them to try me by letting them think that I would forgive their selfish actions and let them back into my life". I took responsibility for my part in that. I took responsibility for each time that someone did something to me, I would brush it off or act like I was unbothered. I was so worried about other people's feelings or reactions, I sacrificed my own. Never put others so far ahead of yourself that you crush your own spirit. It is a draining painful lesson learned but it all forced me to wonder what was I doing to give people that impression of me?
Step 2: Reflect
Many have said that it is human nature to test the boundaries of any relationship because they want to know what they can get away with.
Well, in almost all situations I wasn't speaking up until it was too far gone or too late. I was letting people get away with borderline murder (not literally of course) because it wasn't that "big of a deal" or to avoid being sensitive, or super emotional, or weak. After deep reflection and some "lonely in a crowd" times, I decided there needed to a change.
I began reading self-love and care books, taking more time for me and really thinking about situations personally without an outside perspective. Slowly but surely it started to become more clear.
Although it is natural to want to talk about situations to those you trust, it became increasingly clear that first, your thoughts need to be gathered and feeling set before doing so. Once a person starts discussing a situation with those around them a whole lot can change.
So in regards to reflecting on myself as a person what do I need to do to let people know, that yes I am nice, kind-hearted and understanding but I will NOT allow anyone to disrespect or try my gangsta (for lack of better terms). How do I get that message across and still maintain who I am?
Step 3: Guard but not Hard
This question is not just one that I have asked myself, my friends or family... I literally prayed on it. I turned to every outward source to find the answer because I did not know how to do it. I did not know how to show the world I was not weak but forgiving and those two are extremely different. And just like that, it hit me! The two are different, just as forgiveness does not mean that I have to give the person comfort or even have to let them know that I have forgiven them; I am not weak for walking away or forgiving a person for what they did to me. It also hit me that in the process of forgiving the other perosn I needed to forgive myself for allowing myself to feel stupid or less than because I ended up being hurt by what that person did. Now I can say this with a great deal of confidence that I need to remain guarded but not hardened. I went through the hard phase for a short time and let's just say I was a jerk... some may say I still am... and if they do that means they are on the other side of the wall. 🤷
All of this to say... you cannot control other people. You will not get what you expect because you can't guarantee that someone will act the way you envision as ideal. Expect the unexpected and have expectations of yourself only.
