Dating Rules
A question that has plagued the dating world for years, but the perfect set of rules have yet to surface or descend from the heavens to be written on stone.
Every magazine and television show can tell you a set of rules to follow. but they all seem to come up (fall?) short. The rules that you once followed in high school no longer apply once you hit the college arena, and once you hit the "real world" the rules are bound to change once again.
So then, what are “MY dating rules?”
I have come to the conclusion that the rules of dating should be based on basic human interaction, or in better words, they should cover all relationships.
Dating is just a type of relationship and that is what a lot of people seem to forget as they enter a dating relationship. Even I sometime forget that simple fact. Instead of making specific rules to follow for dating or reading books that tell you how to find the "perfect mate,” why not look for a good friend first and see if that relationship could grow?
A lot of times we are attracted to a person and decide to just leap into a relationship and not think or ask the right questions, which I am guilty of also. So please don’t feel as if I am passing judgment. Once we are in the relationship, actually dating the person, that is when all the questions come to mind and all the problems begin.
If you are the type of person that follows very specific rules while dating then you have a problem because with each person those rules may either be null and void, need to be "tweaked" slightly, or in other cases you may find that you do not have a rule to fit that person at all. So then what?
You would have to go find another magazine, book or television show to that has the “answers” for your problems, right?
Wrong, wrong and whole lot more of WRONG! What you would have to do is make it up on the spot and hope that it works from there. Now that does sound like a horrible thing, improvisation but it is not. If you think about it, our whole life is one big show with no script. So instead of following some strict “guiding principles to dating", why not have a set of generic rules.
There are certain rule that I follow, but at the same time have to realize that some of these rules get shot out the window with each guy I have ended up dating. It is not because “love is blind” but instead it is due to the fact the every person is unique. So instead, I created these rules that are in no special order that I personally follow.
#1. Don't date a relative.
I would never do this but it's a taboo that is very common in the western culture, called incest. I think that speaks for itself and was an easy rule to start off with. On a serious note though, there are health issues that have been documented with children who are born from incestuous relationships. (The anthropologist in me put this rule here, sorry. Now to the more sensible rules.)
#2. Don't judge a book by its cover.
Yes it is a cliché, but it is one that is definitely accurate when it comes to passing judgments in general that are harmful to any future relationship. With that being said you must still remain cautious and instead of basing judgments solely on the way a person looks, why not base it on the first impression that a person makes.
When a male character in Christopher Scott Cherot's witty screwball comedy ''Hav Plenty'' asks a woman he has just met, ''What's your first impression?'' she retorts, ''I'll let you know when you impress me.'' -NYTimes Film Review by Stephen Holden
#3. Create a list of things that you will and will not tolerate in any relationship as a base.
The purpose of this list is to know what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship and what you will never put up with. This allows there to be less confusion during each dating experience. Once this list is created you will know if you will give every person you date a second chance if they cheat, or if they are looking at another girl walking by or leave him singing, Break Up by Mario. That is completely up to you but in the end it will relieve you of the burden of each relationship being completely different because you will have a generic set of standards that you hold each partner to. (Examples of items on the list would be reactions to cheating, hygiene, clothing, music, speech patterns, ethnicity, religion, etc.)
#4. Be willing to compromise.
Definition of Compromise courteous Merriam-webster
1 a settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things
2 a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial
2 a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial
Now everyone hates to compromise but that is just something we all have to do. Even though it means we do not completely get our way in a situation, but isn’t getting some of what we want better than getting nothing at all? I think so! But going back to #3, be sure that when you do compromise that you are not compromising things that go against your list, values or who you are as a whole.
#5. Be a good listener.
“The rule of thumb is that it takes two to argue, so what part did you play in the break in friendship [relationship] if any? It is possible that you had no part and then may be some part. Do not become defensive when you hear the part you may have played but take a look if it is something you want to change or something you do not want to change. There are times there may be something you did not do as well or something you may have done but do not beat yourself up about it. Remember relationships are hard, not just love relationships but all relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend, father/son, etc).”- Advice from Maureen “Dudette” Johnson, Psychologist
#6. Know when to follow your gut and when to follow your heart.
This rule is not one that comes with a great deal of advice and will never be perfectly understood. But there are times when you just “know” something is not right and that you feel as if you want to reevaluate the situation. Never go against your gut, even though your heart may not want you to look at the details of the relationship again because there is some bad you may need to. Love grows in all relationships after a certain amount of time but there are different types of love (Love-Hate, Physical Love, Emotional Love, Can’t Live without You Love and the list goes on & on) that affect the heart. “Just because your heart is in it don’t mean you can win it”, and that is something that people often fail to realize.
On the other hand, know that there are times that you are just scared of not knowing what the other person is thinking or truly feels about the relationship. That is okay, as long as you are doing what is right in the relationship and your feelings are “true” then you can only hope/pray for the best. If there are people telling you that you should not be with someone and they can’t give you a legitimate answer then you should go with your heart until your gut tells you otherwise.
#7. Date the person for them, not another reason (car, friends, etc.)
This is personally dedicated to ALL gold-diggers, which come in male and female form. If you get into a relationship with the sole intention of milking someone for all they are worth you may be taken on your own little personal horror ride. People don’t like to have their emotions played with and they detest someone who plays with their money even more. The consequences of your actions will vary greatly from person to person but there will be problems. And always remember even if you don’t get caught there is always Karma. "Karma is a dish best served cold," R. Snow, DBHS Teacher.
#8. Don't be afraid to ask.
“Do you know their goals in life and [have] they made steps towards obtaining that goal? Do they share some of your morals and beliefs? You may not [have] all of the answers right away but that is what dating is all about and that can take place before. I am not saying this is not so for you & [who you are with] but keep this in mind for future reference.” - Advice from Maureen “Dudette” Johnson,Psychologist
#9. Don't rush it.
Getting into a relationship at any time can be considered too soon depending on whom you ask, so I am not going to give a time limit of how long to wait because I know I would probably always fail to follow that. I think that just taking time to get to know the person on a basic level, as a friend, is enough time to learn what you like and don’t like about a person. If the person really wants to be with you or is that interested they can wait until you are comfortable but if they rush it you may want to question why. And always keep in mind, “if it is meant to be, it will be.”
#10. Don't make assumptions
This is one of the hardest things not to do in life, let alone in a relationship. I think that by default we all make assumptions about everything but really try not to, or if you do make the assumption don’t act on it. Due to previous relationships and experiences it is very common for people to use those past interactions in life to evaluate a current situation, that allows us to be saved from the same “heart-ache” but there is one problem, you are usually not dealing with the same person. Always keep in mind that different people do things for different reason. Although an ex may have snuck around for a week and later you found out they were cheating, your current partner could be sneaking around for a week trying to plan a surprise birthday party. Just an example but it does happen. Keep in mind that “assumptions make an ass out of you, not me.”
#11. Be happy.
There is no point in being in any relationship if it does not bring you joy. Make sure that the good outweighs the bad, that the hard times are short lived and the good moments are great & unforgettable. Also, keep in mind that you should be making the other person happy as well. Don’t nag them or always complain about the things they do wrong but try to point out what they do "right". Give uplifting advice, encouragement and support whenever it is needed or wanted. And everything that you do should be sincere and hopefully reciprocated.
Now please keep in mind, me giving you my rules is just something that can be referenced or used as examples. I want everyone to have his or her own set of basic dating rules. Go write your own rules already. What are you waiting for?
Let the dating begin!
If you feel that something was left off or that a rule was not valid then say so, it's called leaving a comment ;-)
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