Dating Rules

What are the rules of dating?

A question that has plagued the dating world for years, but the perfect set of rules have yet to surface or descend from the heavens to be written on stone.

Every magazine and television show can tell you a set of rules to follow. but they all seem to come up (fall?) short. The rules that you once followed in high school no longer apply once you hit the college arena, and once you hit the "real world" the rules are bound to change once again.

So then, what are “MY dating rules?”

I have come to the conclusion that the rules of dating should be based on basic human interaction, or in better words, they should cover all relationships.

Dating is just a type of relationship and that is what a lot of people seem to forget as they enter a dating relationship. Even I sometime forget that simple fact. Instead of making specific rules to follow for dating or reading books that tell you how to find the "perfect mate,” why not look for a good friend first and see if that relationship could grow?

A lot of times we are attracted to a person and decide to just leap into a relationship and not think or ask the right questions, which I am guilty of also. So please don’t feel as if I am passing judgment. Once we are in the relationship, actually dating the person, that is when all the questions come to mind and all the problems begin.

If you are the type of person that follows very specific rules while dating then you have a problem because with each person those rules may either be null and void, need to be "tweaked" slightly, or in other cases you may find that you do not have a rule to fit that person at all. So then what? 

You would have to go find another magazine, book or television show to that has the “answers” for your problems, right?

Wrong, wrong and whole lot more of WRONG! What you would have to do is make it up on the spot and hope that it works from there. Now that does sound like a horrible thing, improvisation but it is not. If you think about it, our whole life is one big show with no script. So instead of following some strict “guiding principles to dating", why not have a set of generic rules.

There are certain rule that I follow, but at the same time have to realize that some of these rules get shot out the window with each guy I have ended up dating. It is not because “love is blind” but instead it is due to the fact the every person is unique. So instead, I created these rules that are in no special order that I personally follow.

#1. Don't date a relative.

I would never do this but it's a taboo that is very common in the western culture, called incest. I think that speaks for itself and was an easy rule to start off with. On a serious note though, there are health issues that have been documented with children who are born from incestuous relationships.  (The anthropologist in me put this rule here, sorry. Now to the more sensible rules.)

#2. Don't judge a book by its cover.

Yes it is a cliché, but it is one that is definitely accurate when it comes to passing judgments in general that are harmful to any future relationship. With that being said you must still remain cautious and instead of basing judgments solely on the way a person looks, why not base it on the first impression that a person makes.

When a male character in Christopher Scott Cherot's witty screwball comedy ''Hav Plenty'' asks a woman he has just met, ''What's your first impression?'' she retorts, ''I'll let you know when you impress me.''  -NYTimes Film Review by Stephen Holden

#3.  Create a list of things that you will and will not tolerate in any relationship as a base.

The purpose of this list is to know what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship and what you will never put up with. This allows there to be less confusion during each dating experience. Once this list is created you will know if you will give every person you date a second chance if they cheat, or if they are looking at another girl walking by or leave him singing, Break Up by Mario. That is completely up to you but in the end it will relieve you of the burden of each relationship being completely different because you will have a generic set of standards that you hold each partner to. (Examples of items on the list would be reactions to cheating, hygiene, clothing, music, speech patterns, ethnicity, religion, etc.)

#4. Be willing to compromise.

Definition of Compromise courteous Merriam-webster

1 a settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things
2  a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial 

Now everyone hates to compromise but that is just something we all have to do. Even though it means we do not completely get our way in a situation, but isn’t getting some of what we want better than getting nothing at all? I think so! But going back to #3, be sure that when you do compromise that you are not compromising things that go against your list, values or who you are as a whole.

 #5. Be a good listener.

“The rule of thumb is that it takes two to argue, so what part did you play in the break in friendship [relationship] if any? It is possible that you had no part and then may be some part. Do not become defensive when you hear the part you may have played but take a look if it is something you want to change or something you do not want to change. There are times there may be something you did not do as well or something you may have done but do not beat yourself up about it. Remember relationships are hard, not just love relationships but all relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend, father/son, etc).”- Advice from Maureen “Dudette” Johnson, Psychologist

#6. Know when to follow your gut and when to follow your heart.

This rule is not one that comes with a great deal of advice and will never be perfectly understood. But there are times when you just “know” something is not right and that you feel as if you want to reevaluate the situation. Never go against your gut, even though your heart may not want you to look at the details of the relationship again because there is some bad you may need to. Love grows in all relationships after a certain amount of time but there are different types of love (Love-Hate, Physical Love, Emotional Love, Can’t Live without You Love and the list goes on & on) that affect the heart. “Just because your heart is in it don’t mean you can win it”, and that is something that people often fail to realize.

On the other hand, know that there are times that you are just scared of not knowing what the other person is thinking or truly feels about the relationship. That is okay, as long as you are doing what is right in the relationship and your feelings are “true” then you can only hope/pray for the best. If there are people telling you that you should not be with someone and they can’t give you a legitimate answer then you should go with your heart until your gut tells you otherwise.

#7. Date the person for them, not another reason (car, friends, etc.)

This is personally dedicated to ALL gold-diggers, which come in male and female form. If you get into a relationship with the sole intention of milking someone for all they are worth you may be taken on your own little personal horror ride. People don’t like to have their emotions played with and they detest someone who plays with their money even more. The consequences of your actions will vary greatly from person to person but there will be problems. And always remember even if you don’t get caught there is always Karma.  "Karma is a dish best served cold," R. Snow, DBHS Teacher.

#8. Don't be afraid to ask.

“Do you know their goals in life and [have] they made steps towards obtaining that goal? Do they share some of your morals and beliefs? You may not [have] all of the answers right away but that is what dating is all about and that can take place before. I am not saying this is not so for you & [who you are with] but keep this in mind for future reference.” - Advice from Maureen “Dudette” Johnson,Psychologist

#9. Don't rush it.

Getting into a relationship at any time can be considered too soon depending on whom you ask, so I am not going to give a time limit of how long to wait because I know I would probably always fail to follow that. I think that just taking time to get to know the person on a basic level, as a friend, is enough time to learn what you like and don’t like about a person.  If the person really wants to be with you or is that interested they can wait until you are comfortable but if they rush it you may want to question why. And always keep in mind, “if it is meant to be, it will be.”

#10. Don't make assumptions

This is one of the hardest things not to do in life, let alone in a relationship. I think that by default we all make assumptions about everything but really try not to, or if you do make the assumption don’t act on it. Due to previous relationships and experiences it is very common for people to use those past interactions in life to evaluate a current situation, that allows us to be saved from the same “heart-ache” but there is one problem, you are usually not dealing with the same person. Always keep in mind that different people do things for different reason. Although an ex may have snuck around for a week and later you found out they were cheating, your current partner could be sneaking around for a week trying to plan a surprise birthday party. Just an example but it does happen. Keep in mind that “assumptions make an ass out of you, not me.”

#11. Be happy.

There is no point in being in any relationship if it does not bring you joy. Make sure that the good outweighs the bad, that the hard times are short lived and the good moments are great & unforgettable. Also, keep in mind that you should be making the other person happy as well. Don’t nag them or always complain about the things they do wrong but try to point out what they do "right". Give uplifting advice, encouragement and support whenever it is needed or wanted. And everything that you do should be sincere and hopefully reciprocated.

Now please keep in mind, me giving you my rules is just something that can be referenced or used as examples. I want everyone to have his or her own set of basic dating rules. Go write your own rules already. What are you waiting for?

Let the dating begin!

If you feel that something was left off or that a rule was not valid then say so, it's called leaving a comment ;-)

Brought the "Set" Back

March 19, 2010

Turlington Plaza- University of Florida

When the 2007 Summer B Preview students walked around campus there was one major warning from the Preview Staffers and that was to beware of the "Set". "If necessary avoid it like the plague or you will be glued to one spot for the whole day and miss classes."

A year later the same location soon went from having a daily BUZZ to a soft hum that could not be differentiated from the rest of the University of Florida's campus life. And by the time the 2009-2010 academic year rolled around the "Set" no longer existed but instead was simply Turlington Plaza.

Courteous CLAS

One Friday during February it seemed as if Turlington Plaza would reclaim its rightful name amongst students as the "Set" when Black Student Union’s Black History Month Cabinet hosted "Reclaiming the Set". It seemed as if things were going to be like ‘the good old days’, with tons of people and nonstop fun but the illusion faded quickly.

A majority of people that were gathered were from other schools, visitors or alumni, not part of the current student population. Besides everyone knows that when it comes time for F.I.S.S. (Florida Invitational Set Show) weekend everyone will be present to either represent their organization or just to be a part of the festivities. With that being said, the question became when the crowd is all gone, what will happen to "Set" that was reclaimed?

The "Set", much like the carriage out of Cinderella, turned right back into a pumpkin. Oops, not a pumpkin but Turlington Plaza. Someone had to turn Turlington Plaza into the "Set" just one more time before the semester ended but that seemed to be a fantasy that would be impossible.

 Courteous Mainancewek Blog

Or was it? Who would turn Turlington Plaza into the "Set" again and how would they do it?

They did not need free food or giveaways, not a single gimmick was used to get everyone out there other than simple advertisement. The Zeta Phi Chapter of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Incorporated turned measly old Turlington Plaza back into the renowned "Set" with one event, the So Smooth Step Show.

The So Smooth Step Show started at 12:30pm with everyone crowding around the center of the “Set” to watch the talents of the Zeta Phi Chapter but there was a twist to the show that would leave the audience in a state of awe. With cameras ready for pictures and the video cameras recording it was time for the show to begin.

The show began with the Kappa’s performing a choreographed step and performance So Smooth  that it  showed everyone why they were present at the “Set” and not anywhere else.

As the music changed so did the scene and within a blink of an eye they were replaced by six of the newest Krimson Kourt, Inc. showing that they can be Smooth as well. The crowd cheered and there were some murmurs but that did not distract any of the ladies performing.

After a while though they were playful kicked off the stage so that the Kappa's could continue showing the University of Florida just how Smooth they are. Within moments though the performance went from a regular step show to an indirect advertisement for Guilty Konscience, with plates of whipped creamed being passed around and a dance segment that had the women in the audience going crazy.

Courteous Kappa Week 2010 Facebook Group

The Zeta Phi Chapter of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Incorporated and Krimson Kourt, Inc. strolled together to end the show.

Many tried but only one was successful. Who will be next to bring back the "Set"?

A Man of Many Talents :Black History Month Guest Speaker Hill Harper

February 8, 2010

Grand Ballroom, Reitz Union

Anticipation has been mounting for him to arrive to the scene and everyone is anxious. People are about to attend an event that they normally would disregard as another boring ACCENT production but not this time. Twitter is a buzz with comments ranging from “I can’t wait” to “I normally would never attend a BHM event that wasn’t greek related but this will be my first”.  So who has the University of Florida students turning a new leaf and even the local community giddy?

Courtesy ModeOne

The author of three books, “CSI:NY” star and actor, Hill Harper. Over 700 hundred people gathered to listen to his wonders of wisdom, courage and advice. The audience was as diverse as the speaker himself, with an array of age groups and ethnicities filling the Grand Ballroom.  The show was presented by ACCENT and co-sponsored by Black History Month and the Black Graduate Student Organization for the 2010 Black History Month’s Guest Speaker. 

“Why is it that you all laughed when they said I was one of People’s Magazine 50 Sexiest People? […] That really hurt my feelings”, jokes Hill Harper once he gets on stage.

Harper was unlike any other speaker that the University of Florida had seen in years. His lecture was riddle with humor, advice and more than the spectators could have hoped for. After only three minutes of being on stage, Harper jumped down to be amongst the audience

“This is not going to be just me standing on stage giving a speech. This is going to be a conversation,” stated as Harper jumps off the stage into the audience.

While he walked amongst the crowd, he did not simply talk about himself or all the people that he knew but instead made sure that he interacted with the audience even if that meant “stepping on a few toes”.

“While he was walking he stepped on my shoe and touched my leg,” states Senior Alisha Lewis.

To ensure that the room was staying alert from the beginning of his the event he asked a vital question, “Who here has goals and dreams for your life? Raise your hand.”

Every hand rose without hesitation and while eyes scanned the room to be sure that each person had their hand risen.

Harper talked about his way of viewing life and how it can be used to lead to success. His view is that “being active architects for our own life” will lead to a more successful life.  The four fundamental parts of his view were related to being an architect and building an actual structure.

The first fundamental part of life that leads to success is for each person to have a “blueprint.” A blueprint is taking all the goals and ideas from in one’s mind and placing them on paper but doing so in pencil. After asking how many people actually had their goals written on paper it was clear that very few did.  Harper doesn’t believe in mistakes but instead believes that every action will lead to a “modification” in a person’s behavior. This is why it is important to write down goals, ideas and life plans in pencil that way when circumstances change a person can simply modify their plans rather than erasing them completely.

“You did something wrong, that’s not correct, it’s a mistake. Mistakes happen,” states Altina Fenelon after Harper states he doesn’t believe in mistakes. “I didn’t agree with everything he said but he does make some good points.”

Although everyone may not have agreed with every detail of what was said, it was clear that there was at least one part to benefit each person in the room as each person was neatly poised with pen and paper.

It’s important to have a “foundation” that is strong enough to support the goals and dreams a person is planning for.  The key parts of a “foundation” are family, money, education, faith and discipline. Without a strong foundation, everything else will fail. Each goal and dream needs a different foundation in order for it to succeed.

“Courage is one of my favorite words. With the root of the word being ‘cour’ meaning heart,” Harper states while discussing how “framework” is crucial to succeeding.

“Framework” can be affected by a person’s environment, access to resources, and choices that a person makes. If that person has the courage to work against those odds, they will reach their full potential. Most people live within their heads but they need to stop living out of their heads and live with some ‘cour’. Once people stop doubting themselves and going with what they feel in their heart, they will then have the confidence necessary to strive toward what they wish to accomplish in life.

And finally every structure needs “doors”. Doors are there to let people in and out of a particular area, in this instance a person’s life. Although people may come into your life does not mean they are meant to stay there, which is similar to the idea of “Reason, Season and Lifetime Friendships”.

“… to let certain people into your life, a Personal Board of Directors.[…]Those are people who get you to courage. People to let out, who take you into head space and take you to F.E.A.R.(False Evidence Appearing Real).Those you let out I like to call them ‘Associates’”, explains Harper.

The people that are in your life and cause you to think instead of simply telling you what to do are the people that will allow a person to “get out of their head space and into their cour”. Those people are the ones that create a Personal Board of Directors because they give a person the needed courage and incite to do things that they would have never thought to be possible. On the other hand, there are people who do not create the same feeling, which are deemed “associates”. In actuality there are more categories for placing people than just those two but if people are placed into those two major categories it makes it easier to see how each person effects our lives.

Once his speech was over there was a question and answer session with a great deal of advice given, which was followed by a book signing for those interested. If a person did not have a copy of one of his books they were able to purchase Letters to a Young Brother, Letters to a Young Sister: Define Your Own Destiny or The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships prior to watching Harper speak or afterward. The book signing line was full of eager students, faculty and those in the local community trying to meet Harper. He not only signed books but also spoke to each person individually and shook their hand. He would sign books and if asked take pictures.

 “I would rather fail at my life than succeed at someone else,” Hill Harper.